Ugly Fashion

I'M BACK!


Sorry, it's been a while... I'm really blimmin' busy. No time. Busy busy busy. Mustn't stop. Always rushing. 


Anyway, welcome to today's blog post. It is confused. It can't make up its mind if it's angry, sad or just laughing at you. 


I've become tired of 'fashion'. Fashion just isn't my thing... I'm more of a 'see it, like it, wear it' kind of girl... And at the moment, I am just not seeing much I like. Which is probably a good thing, seeing as I'm poorer than I HAVE EVER BEEN.


So, here is a list of a few of the ugly fashions. Some of them may not be recent, I don't know... They're just weird trends that I've noticed - and to be frank - I hate.




1. Loafers


The first one - loafers. Ugly shoes offend me, and these are quite simply no exception. Do you want to know why? It is really, very simple... I'm pretty sure my Granny has had shoes like this. And she's in her 80's. So I can only conclude that they are not chic, sexy or attractive in any way, shape or form. Even worse than the ones pictured here, are brown loafers with tassels, or any colour loafer with that kind of, goldie lookin' chain on the toe... You know the one I mean. Maybe that's where the crap band got their name from. Ugly shoes.

Hi. I make your feet look like the feet of a Grandmother.

2. "Vintage" Jumpers.
Now, this time I am referring to a fashion that your Grandfather may have once been involved in. He probably wore this on chilly winter evenings while listening to the wireless and smoking his pipe. I honestly believe that if I came home in one of these, the Mister would probably bash me over the head with something and take me to the nearest mental hospital.

I'm so turned on right now, I want to remove your clothes piece by piece while... No. I can't keep a straight face. There's no way to make this atrocity sexy.

3. Brogues
THESE ARE MAN SHOES?! ARE YOU MENTAL?!

I'm not saying that there aren't people out there who can pull it off. I'm just saying, I'd like to pull them off and throw them into the Thames. Dirty, dirty Thames. Where they belong.

4. Harem Pants

Let me introduce you to these little wonders. If you've never seen them before, let me explain their purpose - They're really very baggy around the top, and tight at the bottom. This means, you can store all your things in there, and bish-bash-bosh no need for a handbag! Sorted. 

And if you get caught short there's room for a cheeky poo in there too! 

5. Women's Tuxedo
There's a reason women don't wear men's clothes. It's because we're women. The end. 

Hello. I call myself Neil at the weekends.

6. Palazzo Trouser
Now I'll be honest, I don't hate ALL of these. On some women - mainly tall, and very very skinny ones, they can look quite elegant. However, on a NORMAL person, they look ridiculous. I especially hate patterned ones...

When you wear these, you may as well be wearing a floaty, swooshy migraine.

7. Harness Accessories

Apparently this is the latest in fashion. 

I honestly don't even know what to do with this.

I think if I was wearing this, I'd feel like I should be hanging from someone's ceiling. In a dungeon. In my knickers. And I'm not into that. 

I'm kinky, but I'm wearing a shirt so you know I'm classy too... Or something.

8. Collar Accessories
Uuuuum... I'm confused. Could she not decide what to wear? Because that dress/top thing is actually quite sexy. Her hair is pretty. Her makeup is very well done. And then some fucker cut the collar off of her Dads shirt and glued it to her neck, and now she is stuck with it forever. That's all I can assume, because I don't think she'd have worn that out of choice. Would she?

I mean... If you want to wear a shirt... Just... Y'know... Wear a shirt.

9. Crocs

The last thing on my list, is something I have hated with a burning, passionate, fiery vengeance for a very, very long time. I mean, I really truly cannot find anything good about them. I'm not certain that they count as a 'fashion' in the same sense as the rest of the items, but I couldn't leave them out. I'm sure they're very comfortable... But for me to wear these at any point in my life I would have to be chloroformed or something, because they really, truly are the most offensive shoes I have EVER seen. I genuinely do not understand them. My Mum (sorry Mum) had some lilac ones, and when she put them on... Well. I wanted to push her over. And I love my Mum. Just maybe... Maybe not as much as I hate Crocs.

The day these became available to buy was the day that I died inside.

That's all folks. I look forward to indignant comments...

Big Sis.

When I was younger I used to share a room with my big sister.


Little girls idolise their big sisters, for the most part anyway and I don't think we were any exception - I used to love sharing a room with her, used to try on her clothes when she was out, play with her makeup, walk around in her shoes, read her diary. Yeah. That happened Sis. Sorry about that.


At night time, she occasionally used to make me sing her to sleep. Or we'd sit up talking and she'd tell me about what her wedding would be like (she'd been planning it since about age 6 I think...). We'd have some awesome sisterly chats about boys and once, on Valentines Day early on in my secondary school career, I was a bit miserable because I didn't get any cards. So she made one, signed "?" and sneaked it into my bag... Aaaaw. Lush.

Then there was the other side of our relationship.


All sisters bicker... But once, I sat on the top bunk and whacked her over the head with a recorder because she was being particularly irritating. I'm fairly certain she deserved it, although I can't entirely remember why. (This wasn't as bad as it could have been to be fair, our older brother Dave has been known to throw many things at her face, including a basketball, and a shoe. I think he once winded her by hitting a tennis ball at her) In fact, thinking about it, she must have been a bit of a prick at times for us to want to do these things to her... It couldn't have been anything about Dave and I needing anger management or something.


My absolute favourite example of how cunning my big sister can be is the game we used to play to tidy our bedroom. Here are the rules...

• She is the Fairy Queen.
• I am the Fairy Slave.
• She sits on the top bunk and gives orders.
• I obey the orders - and the outcome is that I unknowingly tidy the room.

She came up with that game all by herself. Sneaky cow. I was only little, and I fell for it... More than once come to think of it. She never had to tidy the room, and I DEFINITELY never got to be the Queen!


I won't hold it against her. I'm sure she's forgiven me for the bash over the head and various other things I've done to her. Hopefully. I'm sure there's more I can say about my sister... But to be honest, the only reason this blog post is about this is because I sat here and went 'Hmmm, what shall I write about?' and I was instructed to write about the Fairy Queen game.

And everyone knows, I wouldn't disobey an order from the Fairy Queen...

But I will post pictures of her on my blog.

 This is her normal face.

 She's classy.

 Possible she's just been propositioned.

 Self explanatory.

 Jessica Rabbit. Obviously.

 I don't know what that is on her face, but I have my suspicions.

The Truth About "Girls Night In"

Here it is. Here's the truth about what we REALLY get up to. It's steamy... You've been warned.

• Google images of baby animals.

 Aaaah. I wanna rub it's tummy.

• Talk about Tania's inability to find or use her "indoor voice"

• Argue about what food to order.

• Argue about who is going to order food.

• Scream at Tania while she's on the phone ordering food.

• Discuss the different types of cupcake icing.

•  Discuss Tania's inner child.

 GIVE ME CAAAAAKE!!

• Scream about the ham infiltrating Shelley's pizza. Invading pink bastard.

• Discuss Tania's tendencies towards phone racism.

• Take the piss out of Tania for being a Googletard.

• Discuss whether or not unicorns are dirty. Decide that Charlie probably is.

• Watch Extreme Makeover

• Spew while watching the 'Brazilian Buttlift' on Extreme Makeover

•  Remind each other of good episodes of Big Bang Theory

• Tania's lovehole is closing up... It's like a well now.

• Watch video's of Tania sleeping...

• And finally... Jesus is basically Lego. According to (in Tania's words) "the the the the the the ummm.. Mmmm. Man with the thing that came in yesterday and I don't know if he is called a Vicar or a Reverend, or a Minister or a Priest, but he was a man". Discuss.

I'm afraid that's all for tonight folks... It's going to be a busy weekend! Lots of things happening! Things to see, people to do!