Why I Hate Reality TV...

Now then.


Hate is a very strong word. A word that I would usually reserve for murderers, rapists, paedophiles, sushi and the occasional ex boyfriend, but a word that also relates very well to how I feel about 'Reality' TV.

There is nothing good about Sushi. Ever. If you eat sushi, you may as well give up on life.

To clarify, when I say 'reality' TV, I specifically mean the following programs...

• Big Brother
• The Only Way Is Essex
• Made In Chelsea
• Jersey Shore
• The Hills
• X Factor
• Pop Idol
• Anything else along those lines. Except for the occasional episode of Britains Got Talent, but only because I really enjoy watching the dance troupes. For the record I did not rate Faces Of Disco or the little singing girl. You know the one. The creepy one.

Faces of Dicks... Oh.

Oh, I also really don't like any of Kerry Katona or Katie Price's 'reality' series. But that's for a different post...

I've mentioned my hatred of 'Made in Chelsea' before, possibly in connection to the following threats to my fiancee when he's made the mistake of putting it on our telly:

"If you don't turn this over right now, I'm going to run you over with my car."

"If you insist on keeping this on the telly, you have got NO idea how hard I will punch you."

"Turn it off. Turn It Off. Turn It OFF. TURN IT OFF. TURN IT OFF. TURN IT OFF OR DIE."

That particular program fills me with a soul destroying rage, and I can't put my finger on exactly why, but it could be any or all of these things:

• The accent. There is something really annoying about the accent. Usually it wouldn't bother me, but I think when you've got that accent combined with the rest of these points it just sends me over the edge.
• The 'look'. I really really hate the look of all of these people. I mean, their faces... (I'm going to borrow a phrase from one of my bosses now) Their faces really offend me and affect my day. Alright, it's not so much the colour of their eyes or hair, but the expressions. Don't they always seem to be pulling a face that says 'I think I'm SO AMAAHZING.'
• The point. I really, can honestly say I do not understand what the creators were thinking...
  "Hey I've got this idea for a new TV program"
  "Oh right... What's that then?"
  "Well, we make a reality TV show, but we script it."
  "Right... So do we use real actors then?"
  "No. We take completely talentless people, and script their real lives so that we have a massively unentertaining and unconvincing television program about literally nothing."
  "I LOVE IT! Let's do it."

Once upon a time, my Fiancee informed me that he finds the accent on "Made In Chelsea" attractive.

Now, usually I don't mind things like that. But in my head, him saying he finds ANYTHING about those girls attractive is the equivalent of me saying I would like to have a threesome with Jedward. It. Is. Not. Right.

Seriously. How is it possible that they were BOTH dropped on their heads at birth?!

Now, as for Big Brother - FOR FUCKS SAKE, JUST GIVE UP ALREADY. Just let it die. It's not exciting. It's not interesting. It is not a social experiment. It is getting a bunch of complete tossers into a house and making them do ridiculous things. Which would only be entertaining for me if I was in charge.

"Todays challenge housemates, is to avoid the bloody great big hungry lion that I've just let in through the front door. The one who stays alive, wins!" 

 Mmmmm... I hear they are more talentless they are, the tastier they are.

I'm going to make sure that when I eat the dude with the "quirky hair" it's really fucking painful.

Lady Gaga - Love/Hate?

I really don't get Lady Gaga.

I mean the woman is pretty bloody odd by anyones standards, and to be honest I can only assume that the peculiar outfits (like one made of meat)...

 She's got red eye too. Definitely something not right there.

The accessories... 

 A sheep anyone? I wanted to say something about a "Ba-a-a-a-a-ad Romance"...

And songs that are hideously catchy and yet make absolutely no sense whatsoever seem to point (in my humble opinion) to a woman who is deeply insecure and craves attention like a fat kid craves chocolate hobnobs (these were my snack of choice at my heaviest...)

This is all fine - I'm not slagging her off (well, not really. If you think this is me being mean, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet) but in all honesty, Gaga worries me. I really do think that she is going to end up being just another Michael Jackson/Amy Winehouse story. Which is a shame - She is obviously talented. But someone who could go out in public looking like this:

W.T.F?!

really can't be quite right can she. I like Sesame Street as much as the next, I enjoy meat and I do quite like sheep. But I don't want to smother myself in children's toys, my meat should be in a sandwich or covered in gravy and to be honest, so should the sheep. Or in a pie. Or at a farm park, being fed from a bottle by small children. 

Why aren't her friends and family doing something about this? If my sister decided one day that she was going to tie all of my neices teddies on a rope and wear it around her neck, I'd have words. If my best friend Shelley suddenly wanted to make herself a dress out of garden veg I would probably sit her down and slap her. I think they'd both appreciate why.

Someone needs to give that chick some tough love. Tell her that she's not being herself and that she's actually being fucking strange and is probably going to die alone, off her tits on drugs and singing songs in a made up language. I'm all for expressing yourself and some people may have similar opinions on my sense of style - but this lot really takes that to the next level doesn't it? Respect for how successful she is, I don't mind some of her music, but seriously. Don't go down the road we all deep down think you're going to go down. You can do better! Baby... You most certainly were not "Born This Way".

See?

Saturday Scandal

So, as a new 'theme' if you like, each Saturday I will be posting my opinions or thoughts on something that some may consider controversial or even scandalous. To get me started I've picked something I have BIG opinions on and I am hoping to open up a whole can of worms. Remember though that my blog posts are never intended to offend, and I'm very open minded - My opinions aren't always set in stone, if you can convince me otherwise, please try! I love a bit of debate and am happy for anyone to get involved. Any information that I put up in these posts is just my understanding, if I get facts wrong please let me know!


Today's subject - Damien Fowkes.




Now, lets just start right at the beginning. This guy is Ian Huntley:

I would hope most people would recognise his face and remember the story - but for those of you who don't, this upstanding member of the community was a caretaker of a school, and after an apparent blazing row with his girlfriend Maxine Carr, called two young girls into his home and brutally murdered them. He then tried to dispose of their bodies near RAF Lakenheath in Suffolk. In 2003 he was convicted of the murders and sentenced to life imprisonment.


This fine specimen is Colin Hatch:

Not so famous, this one, but this lovely young man had a string of convictions from age 15 for assaulting young boys, and was jailed for the murder of 7 year old Sean Williams while he was on parole for a previous child sex attack.


Now, this guy is Damien Fowkes.

Fowkes was jailed in 2001 after a knifepoint robbery to raise money for his drug addiction. Not exactly a shining example of good behaviour...


In March 2010, Damien Fowkes fashioned a 'home made' knife from (I think) a razorblade attached to a melted toothbrush handle or something - and unsuccessfully attempted to murder Ian Huntley by slitting his throat. He left a 7 inch gash needing 21 stitches but Huntley survived.


In February 2011 while waiting to be trialed for his attempt to take Huntley's life, he bound and gagged Colin Hatch and strangled him with strips of bedding.


Fowkes had expressed a particular hatred for child killers. This revulsion could have been heightened by the fact Fowkes had a daughter of his own - who knows.


Now, Fowkes is considered to have 'strong psychopathic traits' and has at no point that I have heard of shown any kind of remorse.


So - that is the story up until this point. My thoughts?
Fowkes is quite obviously unhinged, dangerous and as such should probably serve his time - to be honest the further away they could take him, the better. He has some serious issues.


That's not to say I'm not quite grateful to him for doing what he's done though. I'm not talking about trying to rob someone by knifepoint, that probably wasn't entirely necessary, I'm talking about attempting to rid the world of two men who can only bring darkness, misery and hatred into the world. The worst type of criminal in my opinion. Men who have destroyed children and families and would almost definitely not hesitate to do so again. And again. And again.


My friends and family will know this already, but I'm a very protective person. My need to defend the people closest to me is at times a little extreme - there are probably times that I should keep my nose out and I really don't. I can't help it... The thing is I can't even imagine what my reaction would be if someone was to hurt my daughter, or my niece or nephew. I don't think I would be myself anymore - I really think that a huge part of me would change dramatically and I would become someone completely different.


Fowkes obviously made a lot of questionable life choices - someone willing to rob an innocent person at knifepoint for a drugs fix must have been falling into a pretty big hole. Not really thinking about his future, or consequences of his actions. Only thinking about his need for drugs. And I can imagine (scarily), that someone with that outlook on his life, combined with a need to protect his and other peoples children, probably wouldn't think twice about ridding the world of a couple of dangerous, evil men. When in that close a proximity, given the chance, I think that actually there's a lot of people who like to think they'd have done the same thing!


I'm not in any way glorifying what Fowkes has done - but I'm definitely on the side of the fence that says he has done the world an enormous favour, and I only wish he had done a better job on Huntley.

Jodie Marsh

So, it has been all over the news and the internet over the last couple of days - Jodie Marsh and her new body.


I'm pretty sure most people who hear her name think of the sort of attractive girl, big cans, always in some kind of meaningless competition with Katie Price, usually pretty much naked in public. Good body by most people's standards - in proportion (except for those massive boobs. Although to be fair, they aren't as bad as some) and sexy, if you like that sort of thing.


Apparently this whole time she has secretly hated her body, and described herself as 'flabby, fat and full of cellulite'.

Yep. Huge. Disgusting... Bet if you poked her she'd wobble for days.

Over the past 2 months or so, Jodie has been eating 15 egg whites a day and protein shakes - as she's a vegetarian she can't eat the usual bodybuilder diet of fish and chicken. She's been working out a fair bit too I'd say... And now looks like this.

Wowzers.

Now, I'd say she's had some pretty mixed reactions here, but the majority of them are something along the lines of 'What the FUCK have you done to yourself you mad crazy bitch?!'.

My first thought upon seeing the picture was similar to be honest. But then I read the article that accompanied it. 

Her self-confidence was so low previously that she hated herself and apparently went for 2 years without sex. That is a long old time to go, can safely say the longest I've been without it since I started doin' it was about 4 months. 2 YEARS?! Poor girl. That must have sucked, big time. Apparently men were never interested in her - I think I speak for most of us when I say Jodie, most men would have had a go on you to be honest. They were probably just intimidated, because you seemed bat shit crazy. High maintenance. Demanding. Irritating. Nice I'm sure... But mental nonetheless. 

She's had a lot of flack for this new look - people telling her she looks manly. She says she doesn't give a shit.

My respect for Jodie has increased dramatically over the last 2 days. I used to see her as a completely good for nothing, boring slapper. (I don't sugarcoat.) However - she has done something I think most people should have a go at - no not body building - she has changed her outlook, her attitude and her life completely. Her new look may not be for everyone - but she seems so happy and confident with it that it makes her personality a million more times appealing. I almost think I could actually get on with New Jodie. She loves her new body. She has achieved it through, in her words 'bloody hard work and nothing else' and while it may not be everyone's idea of a good time, it shows incredible strength of character. She says that before body building she was depressed and suicidal - and now she feels at peace with herself, and is getting attention from men like never before.

What more can I say. It's not your new look that is bringing you the attention from the men my love - it's your new found confidence, dedication and happiness. It says a lot about you that you can work so hard to achieve so much in such a short amount of time - a lot of people may see it as shallow, a waste of energy -whatever. I see it as a very sad woman doing something for herself to change her own life - no matter what people say about her. She is finally getting attention because SHE is happy with HERSELF, not because she is conforming to some bizarre stereotype of 'an attractive woman'. And she doesn't give a shit what the tabloids and critics say about her, which is so refreshing.

Well done Jodie. Keep it up. Keep making yourself happy. I'm not saying everyone should become a bodybuilder - but everyone should be willing to put hard work into making themselves happier, and improving their life - whatever their appearance. 

Plastic Surgery and Ageing...

I just found a pure white hair in my eyebrow. I'm not even joking a little bit.


This has got me thinking about why we are so worried about ageing, and what lengths we will go to avoid it... 


I am 24 years old, 5 foot 6 inches, 10 stone 3lbs and a size 10-12. Reasonable I'd say, pretty much average for the UK woman. I don't hate my body, I don't hate my face... I'm not the biggest fan of my hair but that is why I change my colour and style every 10 minutes and have been dying it since I was 11. 


When I'm an old lady, I would HOPE that I will still have a similar figure - I will work hard to keep it that way (unless we're talking exercise, which I do in fits and starts but can never stick to anything longer than a week. Ahem.)


I'm not too worried about going grey - I just figure I'll be one of these old ladies who has a pink/purple/blue rinse and tattoos and a pierced nose. I'll age gracefully, in a way. I don't even really care about wrinkles that much - I figure they just show the ups and downs of your life... Laughter and frowns.


I can understand celebrities wanting to stay looking young - they must worry that in that business, once your looks are gone, if you're as talentless as most of them are you've basically got nothing going for you. And no fall back plan either, unless you marry someone richer than you while you're still hot enough to catch them... And even then there's a good chance that when you do get old, they'll just dump you and replace you with a younger model. Harsh.


BUT. This does not mean I agree with the lengths people go to, to stop their lovely wrinkles appearing and boobs from sagging and waist from getting less defined and chin drooping etc etc etc...


Leslie Ash got a lot of stick when she had her lips done... But that is because it really did look awful. She looked so much better before. 

See? What did you go and do that for Leslie? You were such a pretty lady. Then you made yourself look like a Riddler. And Riddlers really scare me...

SEE?! You know I'm right. She looks like Tiddler. The Riddler. And isn't that thing really horrendous?! 


Another example of trying to stay looking young going badly...

Oh Courtney. You used to be so pretty. Seriously questionable life choices, but pretty. Now look at you. What were you thinking.


Then you've got the obvious ones - Donnatella Versace, Jocelyn Wildenstein, Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Tori Spelling, Mickey Rourke, Gary Busey.


Anti-ageing creams and lotions are everywhere you look now - TV, magazines, posters on bus stops. What is the obsession about staying young? 


I can safely say I will never have Botox. I will never be committed enough to plaster my face in cream every single day. I barely moisturise anyway, the women who work at the Clinique/Clarins counters would faint if I told them my 'skin care routine'... "uuuh yeah so I put my makeup on, then I sometimes remove it with a babywipe. But not before I've slept in it. And then I put more makeup on... and sleep in it, and remove it with a babywipe." 


I've lost my trail of thought a little bit because I got very distracted looking at pictures of botched plastic surgery. I have spent a good 15 minutes gasping at Google Images.


The point I think I was trying to make is - Stop obsessing about looking young. Look after yourself, eat healthy food, drink lots of water and all the other good advice that people give. But try not to go too mental, because if you get to the point of looking like this:

You have probably gone a bit too far, and sadly, there is no going back. I mean really, I'm sure she's a lovely person but she looks like a character out of the Labyrinth. Like she should be one of David Bowie's creatures. 


You don't want to end up like that. 

"Alternative Models"

Now, before I get started on my rant, I'd like to say not ALL alternative models make me want to punch them. For example you have the exceptionally beautiful Fae Raven - see http://www.facebook.com/LittleMissFaeRaven And you'll see what I mean. Her photo's definitely do not offend my eyes. She is a legitimate model, and her pictures are lovely to look at. See also Charlotte Herbert - http://www.facebook.com/CharlotteHerbsModel - I really like this chick too, she's got a gorgeous body, a lot of attitude and fair fucking play for showing off your assets, both of you. Respect.


So, this is something I have thought for quite some time now. What is an 'alternative' model? Because it seems to me it's just a label that people use as an excuse half the time for really rough looking girls to take their clothes off. 


I'm aware that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but really... The photo's that you put up are just. Plain. Offensive. To my eyes. I mean really, you make me want to gouge my eyes out, with a hot hot spoon. I'm sure someone, somewhere will pay you a compliment for your efforts, but I assure you, 95% of the population do not want to see it.


I'm not going to name any names, because I'm a bitch but I'm not brave enough to publicly slag people off on a blog (I think that is a touch TOO mean) But WHY do girls nowadays - between the ages of 16 and 30 usually - feel it is necessary to take off their clothes, get into a 'seductive' *coughskankycough* pose - usually involving a motorbike, or a guitar - and get their pervy male friend photographer to take photo's of them? Just to post on Facebook? They are not promoting anything. They are not showing off their assets. Some of them, have an acceptable body... But your face needs a paper bag over it love. The world will be a better place if you COVER YOURSELF UP. Seriously.


Now some people may read this and think I'm jealous. Or that I just don't have a body that I'd like to get out and display in public. Jealous? No. I am however a realist. I am proud of my body - but my boobs are less than perfect due to nearly a year of breastfeeding, and I have stretchmarks that go OVER my belly button that can be blamed on the same perfect little minx. I am happy with that, I accept it.


More importantly, I don't feel the need to put pictures of myself up half naked on the internet, because I don't need anyone's approval. Newsflash girls, for the most part, you are not showing the world how independent and alternative you are, and you're certainly not showing your rockstar 'I don't care what you think' attitude. You're BEGGING for people to notice you, you're begging for approval and you're making yourself seem desperate for attention. Why do you care so much what random men think of you? Is their approval REALLY going to make you happy? Will it really make you feel better about yourself? No. 


Here's my advice - unless you're actually successful, and have a hope of making a living - find a new hobby, a new road to take. One that when you have children, won't make them want to kill themselves from the embarrassment. If the only comments you get are based around what these men would like to do to you - realise that this doesn't mean they actually value you in any way, shape or form. 


Call me old fashioned but... Surely it's better to be valued for your mind, your sense of humour and your passion for life, rather than your excellent ability to get your tits and fanny out at a minutes notice?


I'd like to say again, this isn't aimed at EVERY model. It certainly isn't aimed at any of my very beautiful and talented friends who have chosen to do this, be it professionally or as a hobby. It's for the other ones. You know... The crap ones.