That's a lie, I might come to that one day, but to be honest I'd rather talk to you about shoes, if that's
okay?!
Shoes play a very big part in my life, and I think it's fair to say a lot of other women are the same. There is just something about buying a nice new pair of sluttily high heels that makes you go 'yeah, I'm fucking AMAZING'. If any woman tells you she DOESN'T agree with this, she is either insane or a liar and she should be disposed of immediately before causing any harm to herself or others.
I probably own about 35 pairs of shoes. Which isn't a lot if you compare me to like, Posh Spice or someone, but it is a lot if you compare me to a small child from a third world country, Santa Claus (because he only has black shiny boots), Wall-E (got no feet) or if you take into account the fact that I live in a small, one bed flat.
My favourite brand is Iron Fist. If you haven't already checked them out, and you like borderline slutty/scary shoes please go and look. Now. Google it. I'll wait here while you do it.
Did you do it? Are you finished? Aren't they incredible? I like the ones that look like they could bite you.
And these. I like these. Feel free to buy them for me, I'm size 7.
Now, a lot of people aren't aware of this, but shoes also have MAGICAL POWERS.
It is true.
I don't lie.
If you are a bit down in the dumps, or under the weather, or if you're just having a stressful day, take £25 into the nearest full-size New Look and SPEND IT ON SHOES. You will not regret it. And then wear them around the house. Your bum will look amazing, you will stand up straighter, and you'll have something incredible on your feet. And they belong to YOU because you are also, AMAZING. You will, as if by magic, feel better. True story.
You can tell they're magical. Look how sparkly they are. You might need a matching handbag and a new dress too.
Just to be clear, and this is an important fact, when I talk about shoes I very rarely mean flats. Flats are FUNCTIONAL and very rarely BEAUTIFUL and they don't make you feel SEXY and anything less than a 10cm heel is a WASTE. OF. TIME.*
If I see you with these on your feet, we probably won't be friends.
Just remember that.
* There are exceptions to the rule. To find out more, just ask...
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